Unsticking from Anxious Thoughts
Jill Stoddard
By Annabelle Parr, MA, AMFT
Our capacity for language allows us as a species to be excellent problem solvers. It’s the thing that allowed us to invent cars that transport us over large distances quickly, and it’s also what gives us the ability to notice if we have a flat tire, pull over, and replace the tire with a spare (and if you are not the savviest with automotive issues, to understand a YouTube video explaining how).
When we are anxious or afraid, our minds come up with thoughts to try to help us make sense of our fear and problem solve potential threats.
If you get a flat while you are driving, before any languaging kicks in, you might notice yourself feeling a jolt of fear. Fear is an acute feeling that shows up when we are facing a perceived threat. And fear is really adaptive. If we never felt fear or anxiety, we wouldn’t survive long. Usually, right after fear or anxiety (or any other emotion) kicks in, our mind jumps in with some thoughts to try to make some meaning out of that feeling and help us address it. In this case, fear might tell you to “pull over as soon as you can.” Listening to that thought will likely help you resolve the issue and ensure you are once again driving a safe, secure vehicle.
However, sometimes the thoughts that our minds come up with when we are feeling afraid or anxious are not so helpful.
For example, if you feel anxious the next time you get in the car, and your mind says “what if something else goes wrong and I crash? This isn’t safe, I should just stay home”, listening to that thought is probably not so helpful. Sure, listening to that thought would probably give you some relief from the anxiety you are feeling in that moment, but it would also restrict your life in a really significant way.
Anxiety and the thoughts it generates are designed to help protect us, so those thoughts usually feel really true and important.
The problem is sometimes we feel anxious or afraid in the absence of any real, likely, or catastrophic threat, and sometimes the anxious thoughts that visit us are not accurate, helpful, or important. Cognitive defusion – the process of noticing that our thoughts are simply sounds and syllables – can help us create enough distance from those sticky anxious thoughts that we get to choose how to respond.
When we are able to create some space between our selves and our thoughts,
we get to become skilled observers of our experience in a way that allows us to decide whether a particular thought is going to help move us toward our values or if it will move us away from what is meaningful and important to us. We do not have to figure out whether the thought is “true,” we just need to figure out if doing what it says is in line with what matters to us.
So how do we get a little bit of distance from our thoughts?
There are a whole bunch of exercises that can help us get some distance from thoughts that are tripping us up. One of my favorites goes like this. First, you identify the thought and state it as it is (“this isn’t safe, I should just stay home”). Pause, and notice what shows up in your body as you sit with it. Next, restate the thought but preface it with “I’m having the thought that…” (“I’m having the thought that this isn’t safe, I should just stay home”). Again, pause and notice what shows up. And finally, restate the thought but preface it with “I’m noticing that I’m having the thought that…”. Again, pause and notice what shows up.
And the final step is to check in with what matters most to you in this moment
and choose whether that is a thought that will help you engage with your valued direction. Sometimes the answer is yes. But when it’s no (or not entirely), your values can inform what you choose to do instead.
Defusion is a process, and sometimes it can be hard to get unstuck on your own. A therapist trained in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), can help you learn the ropes.